She went from zero to smokin in five shots
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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