I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Randomize
