you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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