paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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