shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
