he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize