oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
