Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
