I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
