Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
