who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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