i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
