Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
