I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
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