can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
