guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
