she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
