Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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