Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
