Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
