Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize