hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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