Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
