if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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