I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm too high and old for this...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
