Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
