I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Are we in a gay sports bar?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
