Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Please don't give away my fajitas
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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