well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
