If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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