fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
