The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
