My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
