I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
