apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
