So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
