the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
