Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
