Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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