Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
