The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
