I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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