my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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