I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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