Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
