Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
