My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
