moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize