it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
