The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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