Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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