My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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