my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
