Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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