I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
