I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
