I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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