apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
