Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
