I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
