I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
