Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
