Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
