please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
