The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
